I hate this part right here

getagrip86 — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:49:35 +0000

All that has progressed since yesterday with Top 10 College is my incessant analysis of why he never called, and a short texting stint which I initiated in my desparation to hear from him. My most recent development during my struggle to understand what happened is realizing that Top 10 College had a spanish girlfriend of at least a year (discovery courtesy of Facebook). Spanish girlfriend bears a strong resemblance to me, which probably means that Top 10 was looking to me as a convenient replacement for spanish gf (who’s a year younger and still attends Top 10 College’s alma mater).

Furthermore, based on a short text convo with Top 10 college yesterday (which I initiated sadly), I learned that said boy went back to his top university this past weekend, where he likely saw his ex-girlfriend. So basically, I feel worse than I can express; from what I can understand, Top 10 slept with me, probably realized he missed his girlfriend more than he thought, so much so that he traveled a rather long distance to see her and have sex with her. I mean, that’s great for them. Really, just great for them – I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH.

Last night I kept replaying the sex over in my head; during sex Top 10 kept saying, “talk to me, talk to me” – I have to be honest I don’t know what he wanted me talk to him about. Can we not just be silent and enjoy the goodness? And then I wondered, maybe spanish gf whispered spanish sweet nothings in his ear – is that what he was looking for? That certainly was not going to happen. I definitely tried to improvise my way through that one, but clearly it did not go well. Oops. Another bites the dust. How many pathetic relationships can I crash and burn in my lifetime? I’m not looking forward to finding out.

xoxo

gossip girl

Quick Catch-up

getagrip86 — Wed, 13 May 2009 16:50:03 +0000

I’d just like to say that overall I think my life is pretty great. I have a really cute apartment in New York, I’m healthy, I have a really nice and loving family, and I’ve done ok with my education and life progress thus far. However, that does not mean that I don’t spend hours each day struggling to understand certain questions that have as yet remained largely unanswered: When will I fall in love? Am I a slut? Do people think I’m a slut? What are people saying about me? Does anyone like me? If I find someone, will he be cute? I have struggled over the past seven years (since I was old enough to be interested in boys) to understand how relationships work, when it is the appropriate time to sleep with a guy, and how to distinguish love from lust and pure desparation.

Let’s just dive right in here and talk about my most recent pathetic attempt at finding love: a third date with a nice boy from “Top 10 School” (trying to keep this anonymous so I don’t make an ass of myself) Cute guy, trader for JP Morgan - he took my number one Saturday night, called me the next Wednesday, and asked me out to dinner on the following Saturday.

I’d been hooking up with two boys over the past several months, both of whom were proving highly frustrating (both had maturity levels of prepubescents; one would only call me at 3 AM as if it were a mandate, and the other was comfortable calling me earlier in the night, as long as I would come over and have crazy sex with him). So I figured, why not? This could be interesting, and different from the pathetic situations I have placed myself in the past.

First date was good, we made out in the cab and outside my apartment, then parted ways. Same deal on the second date which followed on the next Wednesday. So I slept with him after the third date. I have to be honest I was pretty confident that sleeping with him would be a good idea because he seemed so totally into me up to this point. Needless to say, the date was last Friday, it is currently Wednesday, and I have yet to hear from him.

I am about four seconds away from pulling my hair out/sobbing hysterically in the office/having a panic attack – how can I analyze this situation? Why do boys have sex with a girl then never call? Or maybe more importantly, how do they move on so quickly after sleeping with a girl? I can’t do that! Regardless of whether I like it or not, I become emotionally attached when I sleep with someone. But I’m really baffled – was I a game for this boy? He sets up a challenge (goal: sleep with girl), develops a strategy (deceive her into thinking I’m interested with fancy dates and cheesy lines), then terminate all activity once goal is achieved.

All I know with certainty is that I have one more notch on my belt and I am no closer to understanding how to find someone I really care about or how to distinguish the good from the bad.

Trying to Figure it all Out

I hate this part right here

Quick Catch-up